


Royal Woods' Cell Block Tango

by FoolsgoldFenrir



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Future, Assassination, Because bad things happen given what the song's about, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lowkey not sure if I should have listed the ships, Multi, Parody, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:55:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24714943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FoolsgoldFenrir/pseuds/FoolsgoldFenrir
Summary: A parody of the well-known Cell Block Tango from Chicago, adapted with The Loud House. T rating because well... if you heard the original song it would be obvious that it doesn't get a G rating.
Relationships: Chaz/Leni Loud, Francisco/Lynn Loud Jr., Lana Loud/Skippy, Lola Loud/Winston, Lori Loud/Bobby Santiago, Luna Loud/Sam Sharp
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	Royal Woods' Cell Block Tango

**Author's Note:**

> One day, I had an idea - a Loud House Parody of the song Cell Block Tango from Chicago. And considering everything... of course it gets a T rating. But anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. It's a kind of silly idea, but I had fun with it and I hope you guys do too.
> 
> And another thing, I didn't list the "major character death" warning because it's side characters getting the short end of the stick. Figured I'd just let you know.
> 
> This work was originally posted on FFN on June 8th, 2019.

In the prison of Royal Woods, it was quiet in the night. All the inmates were sleeping peacefully. That is, until some quiet music started playing, waking up six of the inmates who shared a cell.

"Pop."

"Six."

"Squish."

"Nope."

"Plough."

"Sharp."

"And now, my six insane sisters, the murderesses of the town of Royal Woods and their rendition of… the Cell Block Tango." Lincoln announced from above and afar. He watched as the cell door opened.

"Pop." Said Lori.

"Six." Purred Lola.

"Squish." Grumbled Lynn.

"Nope!" Pleaded Leni.

"Plough…" Growled Lana.

"Sharp." Sang Luna.

A different-colored beam of light cast onto each of them, each one matching their specific favorite color. They were all of various ages, but all adults and even the twins were a few years in their twenties.

It continued from there, those six prisoners uttering those six words, their tone getting angrier and angrier as they did so.

Soon the music picked up in tempo, again, "Pop, six, squish, nope, plough, sharp!"

They all began at the same time, "They had it coming, they had it coming! They only had themselves to blaaaame! If you had been there, if you had seen it! I'm sure that you would have done the same…" And then another round of "Pop, six, squish, nope, plough, sharp!"

Lori was the first with her story, walking out of the cell with clear intent.

" _You know how people have these little habits that get you down?_

_Like my first and last love._

_He liked to chew gum. No not chew… POP!_

_So I came home this one day and I'm literally just so irritated and I'm looking for a little sympathy._

_And there he is, lying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewing, no, not chewing… POPPING._

_So I said to myself, you POP that gum one more time… (sigh) and he did._

_So I took the shotgun off the wall and literally fired two warning shots… into his head."_

She shifted her focus to the announcer who had made his way to the floor at the wrong time. "He had it coming, he had it coming! He only had himself to blame!" She sang as she twirled him around and stopped him several times with a red ribbon.

"If you had been there, if you had heard it!" This time she made him nearly fall on his butt after pushing him, though she managed to catch him.

"I'm sure that you would have done the same!" The rest of the sisters in their cell pointed through the bars. She left her spotlight and walked back in the cell.

Next, Lola strutted out graceful as a cat and gave a sly smile.

" _I met my own lover during my second year at Fairway University, where Lori used to go._

_He told me he was single, and we hit it off right away._

_When college was starting to finish up around the fourth year, also two years from today, we started making plans to live together._

_One day I got to the dorm from an exam, fixed him a drink and was about to ask what he wanted for dinner._

_And that's when I found out… single he told me! Single my ass!_

_Not only was he somehow married, oh no. He had six wives._

_One of those rich boys, y'know?_

_So the next night when I came back to the dorm, I fixed him a fruity drink, as usual._

_Y'know, some guys just can't hold their ricin-laced glitter."_

"He had it coming, he had it coming! He took the flower in his prime!"

She got ready to hand the announcer a red flower before yanking it away and crumpling it in her hands. The petals littered the ground and she dropped the stem into the pile of petals.

"And then he used it, and he abused it! It was a murder but not a crime!"

She left as well and had her spot filled in by Lynn who was cracking her knuckles.

" _Now I'm standing in the kitchen._

_Preparing myself a spicy meatball sandwich, minding my own business._

_In storms my husband in a jealous rage that I didn't even understand, you've been screwing your football coach!_

_And he was crazy and I had no idea where he was even coming from, you've been screwing your football coach! I wasn't!_

_I guess I really need to work on my anger problems, because at that point I was getting really pissed off._

_And when I get pissed, I do things that I regret. Or at least I would, but he already knew not to set me off and scare me like that._

_So he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times."_

"If you had been there, if you had seen it! I'm sure that you would have done the same!" Both the announcer and the sisters were greatly unnerved.

Nonetheless, the show must go on and the spotlight shifted onto Leni, who did not walk out. She appeared to be quite distraught, which worried the announcer.

" _What am I even doing here?_

_They said my advisor of my fashion company held my husband down while I bludgeoned his head._

_But like, it's not true! I am innocent!_

_I do not know why the guy in the courthouse with his little hammer says I did it!_

_I tried to explain to those people with funny badges, but they did not understand!"_

"But did you do it?" Lincoln asked.

"Nuh-uh. Not… guilty!" She covered her face and let out a muffled sob.

The spotlight shifted off from her and shone on Lana's face as she stalked out of the cell hunched over and yellowed canine teeth jutting out from the top.

" _My lover and I often liked to try new things, and we often travelled around and looked online for new positions to try out._

_One could even consider some of them circus acts, some of them with 20 tricks in a row - one two three four five, splits, spread eagles, backflips, flip flops, one right after the other!_

_Well, this one night we were making jokes and innuendos with some back-and-forth banter. We were just drinkin' some good ol' vodka, and we ran out of ice, so I went to get some._

_I come back, open the door…_

_There he is and I didn't know where Charles even came from, and I have no idea how this could have even happened, but… he severely misinterpreted the meaning of doggy style!_

_Well I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing._

_It wasn't until later when I was washing the blood off my hands and teeth, and wondering if it were possible to find a therapist for a dog, I even knew my former 'lover' was dead!"_

"They had it coming, they had it coming! They had it coming all along!"

She grabbed the announcer by the collar and pulled him up to her face. "I didn't do it, but if I had done it!" She retreated to the cell and lunged at the bars, grabbing ahold of them. "How could you tell me that I was wrong?!"

As the last one to give her statement, Luna walked out with her arms crossed.

" _I loved my girl more than I could possibly say._

_She was a real artistic and musical girl, like me._

_Though unlike me, she was also sensitive and quiet._

_But… she was always trying to 'find herself'. She'd go out every night looking for herself and on the way she found… George, Roxy, and Tabby._

_I guess we could say we broke up because of artistic differences. She saw herself as alive…_

_And I saw her dead!"_

The others chanted "The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!" And then they repeated the phrase again.

They all left the cell and danced around, twirling about. Well, except for Leni who stayed behind. "They had it coming, they had it coming! They had it coming all along! 'Cause if they used us, and they abused us! How could they tell us that we were wrong?!"

"He had it coming, she had it coming! They only had themselves to blame! If you had been there, if you had seen it! I betcha you would have done the same!"

They kept repeating that back and forth, until they settled down and stood there, looking up.

"You pop that gum one more time…"

"Single my ass!"

"Ten times!"

"Why did those people shut me up in here?"

"That's not what doggy style means!"

"Artistic differences, dude."

They went back to their cell, whipping around to give a parting line together. "I betcha you would have done the same!"

"Pop, six, squish, nope, plough, sharp!"

The door slammed shut and the lights went out, plunging the whole place in darkness.


End file.
